Got this absolutely amazing piece from @commander-sarahs-art of my Claire Shepard during her time with Cerberus. Claire was not having a good time to say the least.
me on days when i’m in the lab doing gruesome medical experiments on human subjects
Today is the only day you can reblog this.
Nothing quite like seeing this on my dash on both April 10th and October 4th
he's very excited about his first night as a jack o lantern
my boy
I love how its getting closer to that time of year again and ppl starting to reblog my boy again
My liege, if you recall, the prophecy stated that you would fall by the hands of your first born son. Yes, I understand that twelve daughters is a very impressive feat, but mayhaps you should consider quitting while you’re ahead?
My liege, you mustn’t be so reckless. If you recall, your prophecy stated “you shall not die by any efforts of man or woman, nor of any material from this land”, and it feels rather pertinent to your most recent decision. Please consider the situation with your father and your brother, and to a lesser extent your 32 younger sisters, and know your prophecy is not one to be neglected. Your father tempted fate and look where that got him. Yes my liege, I do know it was a heart attack that he passed from, but the royal guard directly saw your baby brother reach out towards your father with his hands as he passed. Yes, I know the prophecy would be better stated to say “beside the hand” rather than “by the hand”, I didn’t write the prophecy. No my liege, I mean no disrespect. Yes, I agree, this was a very inappropriate time to discuss your father, and we should go back to the issue at hand. Yes, I do recall that no man or woman may slay you, however, if you think about the prophecy with the context of your newly imported elephant,
My liege, this is hardly the appropriate attire for a hunting trip, especially one to the woods you were forbade from entering. Yes your majesty, I know you are ruler of this kingdom, but if you recall your prophecy- you mock me. I take your safety and fate with the upmost sincerity, and you respond with “mi mi mi mimi”? Please recall your- yes I know what your prophecy states, “your reign shall last until nature itself regains your throne and crown”, I was about to recount it for you. Look my liege, I think this hunting trip is a terrible idea. You are far too clumsy and the forest floor is uneven with roots! If the stairs of the palace or your own feet are enough to cause you to trip, remaining upright may be difficult, and, to put it frankly, falling hitting your head on a rock would hardly a glorious engraving on your tombstone. Please don’t wear the crown on this hunting trip, they’ll know you’re the new queen because of how similar you look to your sister. It’s a prideful act that will only- oh the royal messenger is here. What news do you have? Oh this requires my immediate attention. I will return, my liege. Do not attend that hunting trip in your current attire, though you should consider not going at all.
Royal To-Do List
Now, as a part of the induction protocols, all new employees are to be informed of a long-held family tradition. When each new ruler comes to power, they receive a letter a few days later from the old soothsayer. Yes, the one who lives in the woods, we paid for them to live there. Thought it would be a good way to avoid receiving more prophecies, as she wouldn’t receive notice of the coronation until afterwards, but now they just get sent in the mail. We used to add in 15 minutes leeway to the schedule for when the soothsayer interrupted the event, it was a nightmare to try and predict when they’d show up. If it were up to me, we’d stop the postal service going that far, but only the Queen can make that ruling. I’m getting sidetracked. As I recall, the Queen’s prophecy states “your heart will bleed when the man who could never love you distances himself, his aim not one intending to hurt you, yet he will be your demise”. In order to circumvent this, she is not allowed to take a hand in marriage, and any casual romances are monitored to ensure attraction is present from both parties. Furthermore, suitors are not informed of the Queen’s status as royalty, further preventing anyone attempting to woo her for wealth or political status. She’s also elected to take on many hobbies to fill her time, to focus less on any romantic endeavours. It’s a good system, if a little difficult to source new hobbies on short notice. Oh, yes, please voice your concerns. It’s always a good sign when new employees take the Queen’s prophecy seriously.
Well yes, this is why we hired you. She’s been interested in archery as a hobby recently, and we can’t exactly send somewhere accessible to the general public. What if she falls for someone outside of our control? No, it’s much safer to hire you as her private archery instructor. And I presume she’ll learn quickly, not every archery instructor considers himself an “arrow ace”.
My liege, I’ve been reviewing some of the royal funding and budgetary records, and a few things have come to my attention. Now, I understand that we have surplus funding in the royal vault as a result of your prophecy, which, if you recall, states that “you will die by a blade not intended for battle, but one that will find it’s way to you in a moment of joy”. I stand by it being a wise decision to keep you away from any activities such as woodworking or cooking, and that the money that would have gone into funding those activities was yours to allocate as you wished, but I suspect I’ve found some errors on the records. Firstly, we have two categories of payments going to the soothsayer; one for living expenses, and one, as I have just discovered, labeled “prophecies”. I suspect that- I beg your pardon my liege? We pay for the prophecies? Why on earth- We’re paying them to not deliver us prophecies, that’s why they live out on the far end of the woods. This doesn’t- Tradition? I understand it’s a tradition my liege, but if we are paying for it to be inconvenient to deliver prophecies, and then paying for the prophecies themselves- Is that why your sister wished to go to the soothsayer in person rather than wait for a letter? She was aware of this? And the rest of your sisters too? My liege, surely you see that it undermines our efforts in preventing prophecies to pay for them. At the very least, one of the payments should be discontinued to improve our financial status. You’re right my liege, this is a very complex discussion that requires more time to process, and I shall “shut up about the soothsayer” as you so eloquently put it. We will be discussing this later. The other issue I came to inquire about was that within the records for the entertainment budget, each performance is listed by name. I once again would like to reiterate that the extra funding for entertainment, while not aligning with my recommendations, is reasonable given the circumstances of your prophecy. However, once again with considerations to your prophecy, “Pablo the Knife-Juggler”,
My liege, I’m beginning to understand why you have called me to the castle rooftop. As your most trusted advisor, overseeing your actions and assisting with difficult choices is why I have been employed under your family for so long. However, one key aspect of my services that has remained fairly neglected by your sisters, and your father, is that of your prophecy. Often advice regarding your prophecies leads directly to the passing of the crown, and I believe this to be a critical moment in your rule. You had a much simpler prophecy than most of your sisters, but the vagueness that comes with that should really indicate where to place your trust in me, and the rooftop seems to be that very place. If you recall, your prophecy stated that “Pride shall be your downfall”, which- No my liege, I believe that you can do a kick-flip,
My liege, I am incredibly concerned about the prophecy you have received. Usually it takes a week or two to come in the mail, but not a day had passed since your coronation before the wax seal of the soothsayer arrived at the palace doors. I have spent the past few hours contemplating what should be implemented considering its slightly paradoxical nature. As you recall, your prophecy states that “in a time of unmatched uncertainty, the one you entrust the most shall betray you”. I have been the royal advisor for your family since your father’s rule, a well trusted and respected figure by many who came before you, and I shall do everything within my power to prevent a potential betrayal, regardless of how the prophecy speaks of me. As such, having worked for your father and under all of your sisters that ruled before you, I feel I have accumulated enough sick leave,
Thank you all for attending the all-staff meeting. We have several topics to discuss today, so we’ll begin post-haste. Firstly, I’d like to address the royal elephant in the room. We still have no idea where the royal elephant is, and may have to cut back on searching due to budget cuts, which leads us to our next point, the metaphorical elephant in the room. With our last Queen’s untimely death we’ve made significant progress on finding what was the cause of her death. Based on the fact she died at her one-year ruling anniversary banquet, and her prophecy, which if you all recall stated that “rended flesh for naught but greed shall end in rended flesh”, we believed that it likely something about the food killed her. We had checked for choking hazards and tested others for poison and had found no clues, so our thought process was that her body was unable to tolerate something resulting in her demise. This is where the budget cuts come into place.
We hired a mage.
Settle down. I understand this is a controversial decision, but the benefits have already begun to reveal themselves. While the mage is unable to detect ailments on a corpse, several of the princesses have all shared an ailment referred to as a “shellfish allergy”. While it is unclear what allergy means, it sounds detrimental, and the mage clarified that it is deadly if not handled. As lobster was served at that banquet, that is likely the culprit, and as such shall be removed from the palace’s future supply orders, preventing future queens from following her path. Staff members will be allowed access to the current stock until we run out, so I hope a nice lobster dinner will quell your fears.
Now, some of you have likely been worried about this decision in relation to the current Queen’s prophecy. We have made sure to screen this mage as thoroughly as possible, and have concluded that he is, in fact, a mage. Not a swindler nor soothsayer, not a wizard nor fae. We have determined his status as a mage. This is of great importance to us, as I would not like to be responsible for the passings of any more rulers. I will admit that taking a month off right at the start of a new reign was not my finest decision, but that’s not relevant at the moment. What is relevant is the new queen’s prophecy, which should be easy to recall given how short the letter was. As you should recall, the prophecy stated “Wizard’s curse”, but as this is not a Wizard, we have no cause for concern. Now, as a mage is very costly, the budgetary restrictions over the next month will be implemented across the following areas…
He lied on his resume
My liege, a letter has just arrived from the royal soothsayer. It is likely regarding your prophecy. I shall read it verbatim for you. *Ahem*. “You shall die underfoot of an animal trained for war.” Ah. It appears this letter was intended for your dearly departed sister. Had this letter arrived three days earlier, her rule may have lasted more than a week. It would have been very helpful in preventing her horse-riding accident. My apologies my liege, I know you were looking forward to hearing your prophecy, and I am truely sorry to disappoint. I shall alert you when it arrives. Thank you for your attention, you may return to caring for the royal hounds.
I would like to thank you all for attending this all staff meeting on such short notice. We are here to discuss the events regarding the passing of the most recent Queen. It appears I have neglected that horses are not the only animal trained for war, that animal related incidents may occur to more than one queen, and that the soothsayer is, in fact, a soothsayer. In related news, we have located the royal elephant.
"adventurers are actually more scared of you than you are of them"
"he's literally just doing what an adventurer is supposed to do"
"do you think they think of us as Giant Adventurers?"
"do you know how many other creatures would be infesting our cave if there were no adventurers?"
"how would you like it if you were bumbling along on your little adventurer day, and some giant dragon thing squished you for the crime of being yourself?"
"y'know, so many dragons are grossed out by them, but i think they're fascinating! Did you know some adventurers form symbiotic relationships with small monsters? Some of them even do a simplified form of spellcraft! Like, with actual magic and everything!"
Aww based on the behaviours in my own household, if there were baby dragons, they’d be going around
i posted this old as balls gifset ten years ago today
Happy anniversary old as balls gifset
We are pleased to note the continued survival of this meme to the point that it, too, is Old As Balls
LOTR Heritage Post
